What Does an Unhealthy ESFJ Look Like? 7 Traits & Tendencies

The unhealthy ESFJ (Consul) personality is a manifestation of unmanaged stress, which causes people with this personality type to develop destructive traits and behaviors. When unhealthy, ESFJs resemble a more exaggerated version of themselves, resulting in a highly sensitive yet controlling personality that seeks approval and engages in self-sacrificing behaviors.

Keep reading to learn all about the unhealthy ESFJ personality and discover how Consuls can heal and return to their true selves.

Key Takeaways

• The main difference between healthy and unhealthy ESFJs is that unhealthy ones care much more about other people and their well-being than about themselves.
• ESFJs become unhealthy due to unmanaged stress, which causes them to abandon self-care and prevents them from accessing their cognitive functions as usual.
• Some signs of unhealthy ESFJs include martyrdom, codependency, attention-seeking, and a lack of authenticity.
• ESFJs can become healthier by practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and raising self-awareness.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy ESFJs

Healthy vs. unhealthy ESFJs primarily differ in how they relate to other people.

As dominant extraverted feeling (Fe) users, people with the ESFJ personality type prioritize social harmony and interpersonal relationships above all else. They go above and beyond for their loved ones and strive to become valued members of their communities. Although they care deeply about social norms, healthy Consuls are also aware of the individual needs of others.

Meanwhile, unhealthy ESFJs place a significantly higher emphasis on the collective than the individual. As a result, they often neglect their needs in an attempt to please others and maintain harmonious relationships with them. Moreover, it’s not uncommon for them to force people to fit in with others, as they tend to regard individuality as a threat to group harmony.

Another major difference between healthy and unhealthy ESFJs is that unhealthy ones base their self-worth on other people’s perceptions of them. Healthy ones, by contrast, have a stronger sense of self; while they appreciate recognition, they don’t solely rely on external validation to determine their self-esteem.

Why & When ESFJs Become Unhealthy

ESFJs typically become unhealthy due to severe stress. Some life stressors that may cause Consuls to develop unhealthy traits and behaviors include:

• Trauma
• Rejection
• Heartbreak
• Lack of control
• Recurring conflict
• Loss of a loved one
• Unmet emotional needs
• Constant lack of appreciation

If ESFJs cannot find a way to deal with stressful situations in a healthy, constructive way, they may become overwhelmed, which often causes them to neglect self-care. Over time, unmanaged stress can impact how they perceive and interact with the world around them. In other words, unmanaged stress affects how ESFJs use their cognitive functions.

Rather than utilizing their cognitive function stack in its entirety, unhealthy ESFJs tend to:

• Overuse their dominant Fe. When unhealthy, ESFJs may rely on their dominant Fe to an unhealthy extent, causing them to become manipulative and controlling. This can also manifest as people-pleasing and passive-aggressive behavior.
• Get stuck in a Fe-Ne loop. Unhealthy ESFJs can sometimes lose access to their auxiliary introverted sensing (Si) and rely solely on their dominant Fe and tertiary extraverted intuition (Ne). As a result, they may overextend themselves, set unrealistic expectations, and make hasty judgments.
• Experience a “Ti grip.” A “Ti grip” is a state in which ESFJs become engulfed in their inferior introverted thinking (Ti). Since this function is their weak spot, they experience it rather negatively; it makes them prone to overthinking and isolation, which isn’t natural to them.

Moreover, some unhealthy Consuls may use their shadow cognitive functions instead of their primary ones, causing a major shift in their personalities. ESFJs operating from their shadow side often seem to act completely out of character. For instance, instead of trying to understand others, they can become critical and judgmental.

Unhealthy ESFJs: 7 Signs & Behaviors

Some key signs and behaviors of an unhealthy ESFJ personality include codependency, martyrdom, attention-seeking, and inauthenticity.

Here’s a breakdown of typical unhealthy ESFJ traits:

#1. High Codependency

Unmanaged stress makes Consuls prone to codependency, meaning unhealthy ESFJs can become fixated on other people to an extreme degree. It’s not uncommon for them to become enmeshed in others’ lives to the point where they can no longer distinguish where they end and where others begin.

In other words, unhealthy ESFJs tend to feel excessively responsible for other people’s feelings, happiness, wishes, and decisions, leading them to lose themselves in other people.

While ESFJs often pride themselves on being selfless and accommodating, codependency isn’t something to be celebrated. If anything, being overly involved in other people’s lives can wreak havoc on their relationships, driving people away from them.

Not only that, but it can also affect their overall well-being. A 2018 study by Ingrid Bacon et al. found that codependent people lack a clear sense of identity and display a persistent pattern of relational, occupational, and emotional instability.

#2. “Martyr” Mentality

Unhealthy ESFJs are no strangers to the martyr complex, as they tend to consistently diminish their own needs and prioritize those of others.

There’s a fine line between selflessness and self-sacrifice, yet many Consuls seem to forget this once they become unhealthy. As a result, they tend to sacrifice their well-being for others’ sake.

Needless to say, self-abandonment can quickly lead to burnout, and it doesn’t help that most unhealthy ESFJs avoid seeking help, which may lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics.

To make matters worse, they can grow bitter and resentful when others don’t recognize their sacrifice—even if it was solely their choice to serve others instead of honoring their own needs.

#3. Excessive Attention-Seeking

Unhealthy ESFJs have an unquenchable thirst for approval, praise, and validation, which can evolve into attention-seeking behaviors.

While the Consul personality type is known for its focus on harmonious relationships, unhealthy ESFJs can become quite needy and self-centered, especially if they feel underappreciated.

Although they crave to be liked by everyone, unhealthiness can drive them to do whatever it takes to gain attention. They may, for example, create drama in their relationships for no reason other than to get others to pay attention to them. As you can probably tell, their craving for attention can seriously cloud their judgment and, in some cases, even backfire.

#4. Overbearing Tendencies

Unhealthy ESFJ males and females alike can become rather overbearing; not only do they get overly involved in other people’s lives, but it’s also not unusual for them to want to control nearly every aspect of it. A classic example of this is an unhealthy ESFJ mother who meddles in her children’s affairs, even when they are old enough to make their own decisions.

Although their intentions may be good, unhealthy ESFJs can be quite difficult to deal with, as they are rigid and prone to nitpicking. Moreover, if the people around them refuse to comply with their requests or attempt to draw boundaries, they may resort to manipulation, guilt-tripping, and other similar tactics to assert control over them.

#5. Inauthentic Behavior

Unhealthy ESFJs often come across as shallow and inauthentic, and it’s not without good reason. For one thing, healthy Consuls genuinely derive joy from helping others, whereas unhealthy ones often perform good deeds to gain approval or bend others to their will.

Moreover, unhealthy ESFJs want to fit in with others at all costs—even if it means adopting a completely different personality, lifestyle, or view. Since they lack a strong sense of self, crave validation, and desperately want to belong, they may become overly preoccupied with their social image and act differently around different people.

#6. Extreme Sensitivity to Criticism

It’s no secret that ESFJs are sensitive to criticism; after all, they belong to feeling personality types, which tend to take negative remarks to heart. And yet, healthy Consuls usually manage to accept criticism gracefully (as long as it’s justified and constructive, of course).

However, even though unhealthy ESFJs can be highly critical of others, they struggle to take criticism themselves. Rather than taking the time to consider it, they either see it as a personal attack and react emotionally or dismiss it altogether. In both cases, they tend to perceive the person who criticized them as rude or mean—even if they meant well.

#7. Disregard for Personal Needs

Blatant disregard for personal needs is a telltale sign of an unhealthy ESFJ who overuses their dominant Fe. While Fe focuses on group harmony, it also has a dark side—it can diminish the importance of the individual and individuality as a whole.

Unhealthy ESFJs, therefore, are often guilty of dismissing individual needs, both their own and those of other people. In their eyes, it is more important to preserve social harmony than to ensure that every individual gets their needs met.

In other words, they expect others to ignore their needs and wishes for the “greater good.” Ultimately, though, this may make people feel hurt, unvalued, and resentful, which can, paradoxically, affect group harmony and the general atmosphere.

How to Heal and Become a Healthier ESFJ: 3 Strategies

Unhealthy ESFJs can heal and become healthier by focusing on self-care, learning to set boundaries, and developing self-awareness. So, if you recognize yourself in the traits and behaviors discussed above, worry not—unhealthiness isn’t a permanent state.

Here’s how unhealthy ESFJs can become a better, healthier version of themselves:

#1. Make Time for Self-Care

Taking care of others comes more naturally to Consuls than taking care of themselves, and this is precisely why self-care is key to healing an unhealthy ESFJ personality. Besides, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so it’s only fair to fill your own cup before tending to others.

You can practice self-care by:

• Meditating
• Exercising
• Taking a bath
• Going for a walk
• Getting enough rest
• Eating nutritious meals
• Drinking plenty of water
• Pursuing hobbies, such as dancing or gardening

Self-care doesn’t necessarily entail spending time alone; you can also take care of yourself by connecting with your loved ones and learning to ask for and receive help.

#2. Set Healthy Boundaries

Despite what many ESFJs believe, there’s nothing selfish in saying “no.” While it may not be easy, Consuls can do themselves a huge favor and overcome unhealthy behavior patterns by learning to honor their boundaries and needs. Not to mention, this can help build more fulfilling, balanced relationships both in your personal life and at work.

So, next time someone asks you for help, or you feel the need to fix the situation, ask yourself whether you have the emotional, physical, and mental capacity to do that. Your well-being is no less important than that of others, so make sure to check in with yourself first and foremost.

#3. Develop Self-Awareness

Raising your self-awareness is the most effective way to get out of an unhealthy mindset and ensure you don’t fall into this trap again. The more you know yourself, the easier you can recognize when you’re starting to drift away from who you truly are and slip into unhealthy patterns.

Journaling, therapy, and personality tests are among the greatest tools for getting more insight into yourself.

Here are some hand-picked personality assessments that unhealthy ESFJs might find particularly useful:

• Coping styles test
• Locus of control test
• Personal authenticity test
• Optimism and pessimism test
• Cattell's 16 personality factors test

Final Thoughts

When ESFJs become unhealthy, their strengths essentially turn into weaknesses—their loyalty and altruism morph into codependency, their willingness to help develops into a martyr mentality, and so forth. As such, it wouldn’t be wrong to say that the unhealthy ESFJ personality is living proof that too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

The good news is that unhealthiness can be not only healed but also prevented by developing self-awareness and nurturing your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Given how much ESFJs enjoy taking care of others, it goes without saying that self-care is something all ESFJs—healthy or not—can benefit from.

Unhealthy ESFJ FAQ